Order of the Phoenix
by Merusa
Summary: *FINALLY UPDATED!* Not your average fifth year story.......really cheap movie budget!
1. Average Night on Four Privet Drive

Order of the Phoenix  
  
Summary: Not your average fifth year story...  
  
A/N: Welcome! OK, I decided to go out on a limb and write a super ridiculous fifth year story that makes no sense whatsoever and makes fun of everything in the previous books despite the fact that I love them. Enjoy! My alter ego, Emma, shall assist me in this fic.  
  
~Merusa/Emma  
  
***  
  
Chapter 1: Average Night on 4 Privet Drive  
  
Freakishly Annoying Narrator (FAN): It was an average night on Four Privet Drive. In fact, our young hero was getting pretty sick of it being you average night on Four Privet Drive. It happened every night, and it was getting old.  
  
Harry: It happens every night, and it's getting old.  
  
FAN: Lumpy shapes were coming towards young Harry's window. They were- surprise, surprise- owls carrying birthday gifts. Harry opened every one with the usual care.  
  
Harry: How thoughtful...*grins* that'll come in handy.....never thought I'd want that...etc. etc.  
  
FAN: Now, our hero discovers the Dumbledore is finally going to let him go to the Burrow.  
  
Harry: Dumbledore says I can go to the burrow. *turns to FAN* Stop that, please. It's getting old.  
  
FAN: *nods vigorously*  
  
Harry: good. *walks to bed, and falls asleep with the usual happy smile on his face*  
  
***cheap scene switch, where you accidentally see the camera for a moment*  
  
Voldemort: *laughs* Wormtail! Why can't you cook like that?  
  
FAN: Voldie was engaging in his favorite past time- watching Emeril Live!  
  
Wormtail: *ignores question* Sir, are we going to do anything about Harry Potter? And doesn't it seem suspicious that I found a letter in Snape's office detailing our plans that was addressed to Dumbledore.  
  
Voldie: *nods* Yes, yes. Did you order my kitty?  
  
FAN: Voldie had always harbored a secret desire to own a fluffy, cuddly, grey-and-black striped tabby cat.  
  
Wormtail: Yes, master. Now, about Harry Potter....  
  
Voldie: Yes, yes, go on and do that.  
  
Wormtail: *rolls eyes* I'm going to tell Dumbledore every single plan we have and then do the polka in front of you wearing nothing but a towel.  
  
Voldie: *waves hand in a dismissing air* Yes, yes you do that.  
  
Wormtail: *sighs* I people think I'm in idiot....  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: Did you like that? Huh huh didja didja? Sorry, I just consumed two boxes of Nerds. Do you Brits have that kind of candy?  
  
REVIEW!!!! 


	2. Cameras and Rooftops and Feelings, oh my...

Order of the Phoenix  
  
Author's Note: Here it is, the much awaited chapter two. I'm on another sugar high! Twizzlers!  
  
  
  
***  
  
Chapter 2: Cameras and Rooftops and Feelings, oh my!  
  
Freakishly Annoying Narrator: Well, its two days before Harry gets to go to the Weasleys. Surprise, Surprise- he's in his room looking out the window, when- a late owl with a late present comes- it's DUN DUN DUN- Hermes! Shock!  
  
Harry: *puzzled* *opens letter*  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
Sorry this is late. I just found out from Ron that a few days ago was your birthday-  
  
I hope you like this!  
  
Love, Ginny  
  
Harry: *opens gift* Wow!  
  
FAN: It's a book filled with Seeker strategies, captaining tips, and information on the Quidditch teams of the world! Shock!  
  
Harry: *turns to FAN* Do you have t say "Shock!" every time?  
  
FAN: Why, yes, in this chapter I do. Damn fanfiction writers. Shock! *looks offstage to where Merusa and Emma are typing* Do I have to say shock every time?  
  
Merusa and Emma: *exchange glances* No, you don't. With what's going to happen at the Weasley's- I shouldn't have said that. I should not have said that.  
  
Harry: *imitates Dr. Evil* Riightt.  
  
****Another Cheap Scene Switch Where Harry has Suddenly Just Arrived at the Burrow Two Days Later after Corresponding With Ginny Through Letters****  
  
Harry: *looks up at the unsteady house* Wicked. Why is Ginny on the roof when the rest of the Weasleys and Hermione are down here greeting me?  
  
FAN: Plot Device.  
  
Harry: Ahhh.  
  
Ginny: *waves at Harry, and mounts the broomstick so she can fly down*  
  
Ron: She likes the roof. Only one allowed up there.  
  
Hermione: *rolls eyes, speaks so only Harry can hear* only one not scared of heights, you mean.  
  
Ginny: *climbs onto the broomstick, but before she get onto it a strong gust of wind comes and knocks her off, and she is now falling towards the ground* AIEEEE!!!  
  
Everyone Else: Cheap plot device.  
  
Harry: *runs, and catches Ginny*  
  
Ginny: *looks rather traumatized but right at home in Harry's arms* Uhh....thanks.  
  
Harry:*smiles at her* Anytime. *goes red when he realizes what he is doing, and carefully sets her on the ground*  
  
Weasleys and Hermione: *looks at them, and suddenly run at her with very fake concern* Are you alright? Damn wind! Ron! Language! etc. etc.  
  
Harry's thoughts: *blushing* Why am I blushing over Ginny? Because she sent me a wonderful gift albeit late and I'm just noticing her gorgeous eyes and hair that more than rival Cho's that are mysterious and draw me, and she has acquired lovely curves over the summer, her letters are interesting and......crap. Bloody plot devices. Work every time.  
  
Merusa and Emma (off stage): *grins*  
  
****Cheap Scene Switch****  
  
FAN: Voldemort is in his chair, cackling about something Wormtail has said.  
  
Voldie: *slaps knee* that's funny! *cackles insanely, and rolls on the floor*  
  
Wormtail: *rolls eyes*  
  
*The camera above them for over head shots swing back and forth. The thin thread holding it up snaps, and the camera falls down and lands on Voldemort's head.*  
  
Voldemort: Crucio!  
  
*spell hits camera man causing temporary pain but stops when Voldie falls unconscious*  
  
Camera Men: Damn!  
  
***Scene switches****  
  
FAN: Everyone! Places! We have to do this scene; the overhead camera fell on Voldie!  
  
Harry: *gapes* Not good.  
  
FAN: Shut up and get into position. I know how much you want to do this scene *winks*.  
  
Harry: *scowls and gets into position*  
  
Merusa and Emma: Action!  
  
***WARNING: FLUFF AHEAD!****  
  
FAN: It's sometime after dinner. Harry is in the garden, looking at the stars, waiting for Ron and Hermione to come out. Hearing footsteps, he turns around, smiling.  
  
Ginny: *blushes* Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were out here.  
  
Harry: *blushes* Oh, that's ok. *pats the bench he's suddenly sitting on, inviting Ginny to sit next to him*  
  
Ginny: *gets redder* *walks over, and trips over a stone, falling into Harry's arms again*  
  
*Harry looks at Ginny, and she looks right back into his eyes. Neither of them move from where they are, though Ginny is half standing, her torso in Harry's arms, and Harry is half-sitting, Ginny's torso in his arms. It's one of those romantic moments*  
  
Harry: *looks down at Ginny, and gently presses his lips against hers*  
  
Ginny: *presses back with her lips*  
  
Harry: *gently breaks it off*  
  
Ginny: *looks up at him trustingly, before sitting down on the bench next to him.*  
  
Harry: *slips his hand into hers, lacing their fingers* I've wanted to do that since I saw you on the roof.  
  
Ginny: *looks at him* really? I've wanted to do that since I laid eyes on you! Harry: *laughs slightly, and leans his forehead against hers*  
  
Ginny: *sigh*  
  
FAN: Words don't seem necessary in this moment. They both just know.  
  
Harry: *brushes his lips against hers again, and holds the position*  
  
Ginny: *holds too*  
  
Soon to be made known anonymous voice: BLOODY HELL!  
  
FAN: It's Ron and Hermione!  
  
Hermione: Ron! Language!  
  
Harry and Ginny: *stop kissing and turn to Ron and Hermione but keep holding hands*  
  
Ron: What are you doing?  
  
Ginny: What does it look like we're doing?  
  
Ron: What did you put in his food? He doesn't even like you!  
  
Harry: Yes, I do. I have ever since we began writing letters. I was sure when I caught her after that cheap plot device that turned out to be seriously worth it.  
  
Hermione: Ahhh.  
  
Ginny: *blushes*  
  
Harry: *blushes when he realizes what he just said*  
  
Ron: *turns around and stomps back to the house*  
  
Hermione: *runs after him*  
  
Harry and Ginny: *look at each other, grin, and decide to stay put*\  
  
Ron: *bursts inside the kitchen*  
  
Other Weasleys: What's going on?  
  
Ron: *glares, stops walking as Hermione steps inside* Me and Hermione just found Harry and Ginny snogging.  
  
Mrs. Weasley (Molly): SNOGGING?  
  
Hermione: Really, Ron, they were not snogging.  
  
Ron: *sulks*  
  
Molly: *turns to Hermione* What were they doing?  
  
Hermione: *glares at Ron* Harry kissed her. An innocent kiss.  
  
The Weasley Brothers: WHAT?!  
  
Fred or George can't tell (FoG): Harry doesn't even like her! He likes Cho Chang!  
  
Hermione: Not anymore. He even said he likes her.  
  
Ron: My best mate should not be dating my sister.  
  
Mr. Weasley: *who had calmly been viewing this a moment ago* Dating?!  
  
Hermione: *ignores everyone but Ron* We haven't even told Harry about us yet! You kissed me and didn't tell anyone!  
  
FoG: *Slaps Ron's back* about time.  
  
The Weasley Brothers: *walk out to the garden to confront Harry and Ginny*  
  
Harry: meep!  
  
Ginny: meep!  
  
Harry and Ginny (HaG): *move in close for protection. Harry wraps his arm around Ginny*  
  
HaG: MEEP!  
  
  
  
To be continued......  
  
***************************************************************** Reviews!  
  
Emma Watson: Yup. Of course it is, I'm writing it! ^.~  
  
Dominique Green: I love Red Hots!  
  
Quidditch Anyone: I got an "A"! Yay! Yes, I do have fun with sugar highs.  
  
  
  
Review you thoughts and questions, I'll answer here after every chapter!  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
-M/E 


	3. Hang on Tight, Baby, Cause This Train is...

Order of the Phoenix  
  
A/N: MAKE SURE YOU"VE READ CHAPTER 2; I GOT NO REVIEWS FOR THAT- yet?  
  
Chapter 3: Hang on Tight, Baby, Cause This Train is Taking Off!  
  
Freakishly Annoying Narrator (FAN): Merusa and Emma decided to do a small time skip 'cause they couldn't figure out how to write the wrath of the Weasleys. I get to fill you in. There was some yelling and screaming, than it was accepted. They went to Diagon Alley- surprise, surprise- and have now just settled into their compartment on the train.  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny: *settles down in seats, and begin to talk about Quidditch and the upcoming year*  
  
Harry: Blah blah, blah blah blah blah.  
  
Ron: *jumps to feet in mock outrage, and points at Harry* Blah!  
  
Hermione (Mione): *eye roll*  
  
Ginny: *eye roll*  
  
FAN: Suddenly, the compartment door opens. Our heroes jump to their feet and pull out their wands- jump to your feet and pull out your wands!  
  
Heroes: Oh! *jump to feet and pull out wands*  
  
FAN: As I was saying, our heroes jump- oh you know what they do. It's Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle at the door!  
  
Harry: Malfoy.  
  
Draco: Well, well, well, Potty and the Weasel.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle: *snicker*  
  
Ron: *raises an eyebrow* Didn't you say that last year?  
  
Draco: *ignores him, and notices that Harry has an arm around Ginny with a delighted squeal* Potter's got a piece of arse! To bad it's the Weasel's slummy little sister!  
  
Harry: *glares, points wand at Malfoy's nose* DESAUGEO!  
  
FAN: Uh...why isn't anything coming out of the wand?  
  
Merusa/Emma offstage: *exchange glances* The special effects crew took the day off.  
  
Everyone else: WHAT?  
  
Crabbe (who is really quite intelligent, he just plays an idiot): How do you except us to act out the scene? Do you think the audience will IMAGINE the sparks coming out of the wand?  
  
Merusa/Emma: Just try it.  
  
Everyone: OK.  
  
M/E: ACTION!  
  
Draco: Rictusempra!  
  
Harry: *stumbles backwards and gives very forced laughter* Ha. Ha. Ha. *falls to knees* Ha. Ha. Ha.  
  
Ginny: This isn't working.  
  
M/E: And we're skipping to the Sorting Hat.  
  
Everyone: Huh?  
  
M/E: Take five. Skipping to the big hat scene. No specials. *to the audience* Actor lingo.  
  
Everyone: Ahhh.  
  
M/E: Move it, because as far as we're concerned, this chapter is FINISHED.  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: Sorry for the delay, small case of writer's block! 


	4. umm....yeah

Order of the Phoenix  
  
A/N: I AM RESTRICTED FROM SEEING THE REVIEWS! Would someone be kind enough to copy and paste the review page into an email and send it to me? My email is Missiceangel210@aol.com  
  
Chapter 4: umm....yeah  
  
  
  
Dumbledore (Dumbly): Seismograph! Egg! Synthetic! Cheese! Thank you! Go to your dorms now.  
  
Everyone: *files into their houses, yawning*  
  
***  
  
  
  
Freakishly Annoying Narrator (FAN): What happened to the Sorting Hat?  
  
Merusa/Emma (M/E): We didn't feel like writing it.  
  
FAN: Ahhh.  
  
M/E: Big blue scene. Action!  
  
***  
  
Ron: *collapses in a chair* Torture. Mondays with Snape, Trelawney, and Hagrid's bog monsters. Ugh.....  
  
Harry and Hermione: *collapse next to him*  
  
Ginny: *peers over the book* tough dayYYY!!!! Hermione! What happened to our hair?!  
  
Harry: *looks at Hermione* What the....?  
  
Ron: *cracks up* *wand falls out of hand*  
  
FAN: Hermione's hair...it's blue! Ron! That was not in the script!  
  
Ron: *still laughing*  
  
Hermione: *pulls a lock of hair in front of her face* blue.....sky....blue......RONALD WEASLEY! *chases him around the common room*  
  
Ron: MEEP! *runs around the common room*  
  
Hermione: *collapses*  
  
Ron: *collapses*  
  
Parvati and Lavender (pal): Hermione! Your hair is sooo awesome! Ron, die our hair! Please please please!  
  
Harry and Ginny (hag): *look up from were they were settling for a good snog, exchange glances*  
  
Ron: *blinks* Ok....*points wand at them, and mutters something*  
  
Pal: *hair turns pink and purple* AHHHH! THIS RULES!  
  
M/E: cut! Wrap it up! That was perfect! Take five, no specials, big glug glug scene!  
  
*** 


	5. Chick Magnet

Order of the Phoenix  
  
A/N: Wow! I got some reviews! Guess what- I'm not on a sugar high. I'm calm. 0.o This chapter isn't going to be that good....  
  
Expect Chapter updates during the school year to take anywhere between an hour and a week!  
  
Chapter 5: Chick Magnet  
  
FAN: Harry, Ron, and Hermione are early for potions, for once in their life. Snape has left the door partially open, revealing to the early people that his hair isn't as greasy as it looks....  
  
Snape: I've got the urge...  
  
Random Characters from the Lord of the Rings: Snape's got the urge to Herbal.  
  
Other Characters: Natural Botanicals.  
  
Everyone: The Urge to Herbal.  
  
Random: Herbal in the classroom.  
  
Other: For another half an hour.  
  
FAN: That didn't rhyme.  
  
Merusa/Emma: This is to remain PG-13.  
  
FAN: Ahhh.  
  
Snape: *happily lets the shampoo run through his hair, and washes it out* Man, I feel like a woman!  
  
****  
  
FAN: Meanwhile, back in the hallway...  
  
Everyone: *cracking up as best they can with out alerting Snape*  
  
Harry: *totally oblivious to the fact that the girls are staying around him*  
  
Ron: uhh....Harry.....  
  
Harry: *walks over, still not realizing that all the single girls in fifth year are following him around* what's up?  
  
Ron: It's just that every single girl in fifth year who doesn't have a boyfriend is following you around.  
  
Harry: *pales* *turns around* meep! *jumps into the air from shock*  
  
Every Girl Who is Single (egs): Hi Harry. There is supposed to be a New Years Eve Ball this year.  
  
Dean: Did they just say that in perfect unison.  
  
Seamus: Yup.  
  
Harry: *stuttering and blushing* Y-yes I k-know I-I h-have a d-date alrea- ready.  
  
Egs: *in fury* who?  
  
Harry: *smiles* Ginny. Ginny Weasley.  
  
Egs: NO!  
  
Harry: *to the guys and the girls with boyfriends* I'd rather face Voldemort at full strength than continue this conversation.  
  
Ron: I can see what you mean.  
  
Draco: Even the Slytherin girls are after you, Potter. What happened?  
  
Dean: I can answer that. He is taken.  
  
Harry: *repeatedly bangs head against the wall*  
  
Ron: Harry....why do you have a magnet on my back?  
  
Harry: *in between bangs* I *bang* have *bang* a *bang* magnet on my back? *bang*  
  
***  
  
Voldemort: Progress report, Wormtail.  
  
Wormtail: You don't look like Voldemort. *to Merusa and Emma* What's going on?  
  
Merusa/Emma: *exchange glances* The other one is in the hospital. Head trauma.  
  
Wormtail: *nods, and proceeds to give the backup Voldie the damage report*  
  
***  
  
Reviews  
  
Kaylakitty02: you're really confused? Good, that's the point of this story.  
  
lil_angel_of_a_devil: you reviewed four times in one chapter- awesome, how did you do that? And how is it the exact same review every time?  
  
Neopyro: your stories are not that bad. Just because they aren't going to win a Pulitzer doesn't mean they are the worst things in the world. Believe me, I've read MUCH MUCH MUCH worse. Like mine.  
  
Tomato Soup: thank you for the happy dance. I like the low budget movie format- it suits it.  
  
REVIEW MORE! I THRIVE ON REVIEWS! 


	6. The Much Anticipated Really Late Chapter...

Order of the Phoenix  
  
  
  
Chapter Six: The Much Anticipated Really Late Chapter From Down Under  
  
Freakishly Annoying Narrator: Hello, and welcome to the much awaited chapter six that has no point except it is Halloween and *continues to babble*  
  
Harry: *has long since pulled the magnet off his back* Happy Halloween!  
  
FAN: Yup, it is. And there in the common room and and and.... *babbles*  
  
Ginny: Is she alright?  
  
Hermione: I don't know. All I know is that I am SICK of Ron changing my hair. When I get my hands on him I'm going to....  
  
Harry and Ginny: Snog him?  
  
Hermione: *can't answer, Ron walks into the room, flanked by Fred and George*  
  
FAN: It's Clipse and Pharell of N*E*R*D......I love them! *babbles*  
  
Merusa/Red Vixen: We'll take over. Ron, Fred and George are going to rap for us.....can't you picture Ron rapping?  
  
Ron (aka Pharell):  
  
Hey!  
  
My name is Ronnie  
  
Hey!  
  
Pharell is better than me, I'm not him!  
  
Fred and George:  
  
Fred and George,  
  
Featuring Ron.  
  
Ron loves 'Mione  
  
This is the remix!  
  
Hermione: *looks torn between being horrified and happy*  
  
The Rest of the common room: *cracking up*  
  
Ron:  
  
Ya know F+G have got some problems  
  
This song has no point  
  
Definitely not that, 'Mione.  
  
Hermione: *looks disappointed*  
  
FAN: And they're rapping, and they are rapping, and Hermione's yelling, Harry are snogging, er, laughing.... *babbles about the rest of the common room*  
  
~*~  
  
*Wormtail and the real Voldie, who is out of the hospital, are discussing football and sipping coffee*  
  
Merusa/Red Vixen: Ahem. The scene is starting.  
  
W/V: Meep!  
  
*they scramble*  
  
Voldemort: SNORThahahahahaHICCUPhahahahaCOUGHmwahahaha!  
  
Wormtail: umm, right.....  
  
Voldemort: *turns on the TV* OO! DAYS OF OUR LIVES IS ON!  
  
Wormtail: ......  
  
Voldemort: No, Stephano! YOU ARE SO EVIL!  
  
Wormtail: Oh, by the way, Dumbledore knows where we are going to strike next.  
  
Voldemort: Chloe! Chloe! No, Chloe, don't fall for it!  
  
Wormtail: *sighs, thinking about his next line* I'm going to tell the Minister of Magic that you like cheese then perform in a Hogwarts talent show dancing to Shakira's Objection Tango.  
  
Voldemort: YES!  
  
Wormtail: *bangs head against the wall* I GIVE UP!  
  
~*~  
  
Dumbledore: Minerva, you've got to spin on your head. *demonstrates his break dancing skills*  
  
Minerva McGonagall: *is wearing a black leotard to practice in* Ok, Let's try this again. *demonstrates her growing skill*  
  
Dumbledore: *looks pleased* Very good. *turns to the side of the stage* *whines* Merusa, can I have the cookies now?  
  
Merusa: *exchanges looks with Red Vixen* Ok...  
  
Dumbledore: YAY! *dives onto a plate of cookies offstage*  
  
Minerva: *shrugs* Whatever. *spins on her head*  
  
~*~  
  
A/N: Sorry that took so long! I finally broke through! I should be posting about once a week. Read Bittersweet! My fave!  
  
Thank you to everyone! 


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